disclaimers
shut up and read
no animals are hurt in the creation of this blogskin.
if there are any coincidences mentioned, do not doubt, i must be referring to you.
08/08
Saturday, August 11, 2007 @ 12:52:00 AM
national day celebration ps: this is going to be LONG
i woke at 5+ and met aaron and roland to school. all of us changed in the room (with much struggles, of course) and jeremy, roland and i rehearsed the turning and marching parts. roland and i tried shouting and were stopped by mr soh. i have not had enough practice. everything till then
seemed to fall in place, except my sinking collars.
everyone was at their positions and YTWO marched out. i wanted to watch but cannot. all eyes were on them and they were just beside me. they turned to face front and i looked up to ms pay. she nodded and i gave us the command to march out. i was seriously very nervous. i thought the previous muster parade was scary enough. this was worse.
a lot of my friends cheered for me. i felt really honoured but at the same time, i cannot smile. i have to give the "garang" face. i told myself, everyone has high expectations of me and you are watching me. i waited for the teachers to stop introducing and my first command came. there was this particular sec 2 guy (it seemed too polite to use guy, but i decided not to stain my blog) who was so EAGER to listen to my commands. he decided to be PROACTIVE and shouted, cannot hear. thank you for your feedback. but if you could just keep your big fat mouth shut and listen, you could hear it. i controlled myself. this is just one rude audience. i will not let him affect my performance,
although my legs were trembling.everything went on well, except rj scared me by showing me that face of his as if he cannot hear me, which is a little impossible? i tried to shout as loud as possible for jeremy, coz that time the kitchen was rather noisy and he could not hear me. he heard me and they marched out. blah blah. people laughed at gerald. FOR WHAT, i wonder. rude kids? he turned to face me and i reminded myself, he will not salute me. ok. this particular command went out of place when everything was falling into place nicely.
i expected roars of laughters. well, who would not laugh. i am speaking in a totally objective point of view. i would have sniggered at most, but not to the extent of what more than half of the school did. at that point of time, i really do not wish to show any slight change in my expression. in my mind, i was hoping to throw my drill cane on the floor and run as far and as fast as possible from the audience. i knew i could not. i turned and at ease. i sedia the parade, trying to use my best. roland marched in, i saluted him. initially i wanted to give him the disappointed look, but teachers have commented we exchange expressions too much. so i saluted him and marched off. it is his show now.
many thoughts went through my mind while a quarter of my attention was on roland's commands. i cannot afford to make any more mistakes. i thought: all the practices, trainings, rehearsals and the missing of lessons are just for today. it is a show for the school, for the school i was in since sec1, a show for the school to tell others, hey, npcc is not some idiotic cca without any coolness. it is as cool as any cca could be. but this time round, i think i have ended my show, ended my mission with just a syllabus.
from the time henry took roland and i out of the squad to try shouting, to the giving out of area 2's pop parade sequence, to changing it to ytss's ndp sequence, to missing lessons just for trainings and rehearsals, to me being the patriotic npcc cadet who chose to take part in the nation's birthday celebration, to a crazy woman shouting in the parade square. it went with a
poof! after a syllabus.
during this process, i have thought of why i have to take part. is it just for personal glory and honour? is it for the unit? is it for the school? i have missed much lessons and know nuts about almost everything just for a day, or rather a show which ended by a syllabus? is it worth it?
today is the day. i have always intended to impress you. i want to show you, i am not one who is proud, but in your context, arrogant of my rank. btw, i think i earned it, just like yours. please do not tell me your cca gave you sergeant because they like it, but you earned it. i have almost nothing to my name except my achievements in npcc and council. my studies are not good, which is 100% unlike yours. must you be like this? i do not know why. i am greatly affected by that passing remark of yours.
i really wonder what you think of me after the gone-wrong syllabus. what have been going through your mind throughout this 107 days, no one knows except you. you refused to tell anyone what went wrong between us. i will be extremely glad if things were as simple as nothing to talk, but obviously it is not. you would have replied my efforts to pluck the courage to strike up conversations, just for your nod or you asking others to answer my questions? but NO. you did not. this led me to wonder more. and i think this is just coming to an end. you are not going to affect me in a negative manner. yes, i will keep the encouragement message, regardless of you meant it or not.
it is time to march off. i told myself, this is almost the end. just the 36-7 steps and everything is over, if i do not faint. i made it. 36-7 steps was a success for me and roland, i think. we marched out and i walked away with aaron straight after berhenti. i felt nauseous and giddy. he suggested going back to class. i did not want to. i fear the jeerings. i fear the mockings. i fear any comments by my class, my classmates who have been with me for the past 19+ months. i really feared crowds at that point of time. i went reluctantly with aaron and he continued to the fourth floor while i slowly walked out of the stairway.
i reconsidered about joining my class. i turned and looked at them. some saw me but i chose to retreat to the toilet next to the laboratories. i washed my face, telling myself, i cannot break down. i must be normal, or at least try to. i looked at myself in the mirror and told myself, it will be over soon. the way back to integrity block looked short and yet difficult to finish. sandy came to me and asked me if i am alright. all the while my efforts to keep my tears back, failed me. i broke down. i really cannot face anyone after disappointing them.
sandy told me many things. "it was just a minor mistake. who does not make a mistake. everyone in our class is very supportive of you. no one laughed at you. it was the others." she is right. but i am still scared. not coz i have embarrassed myself, but i have disappointed so many people. i tried to stop and i went back with her. amanda and some others approached me and i cried again. i really cannot face crowds, i guess. on the contrary, amanda told me to cry my heart out. hmm. this time round, i cried longer, but still not to the fullest extent. and you still did not care, or rather, did not bother to find out until how leong asked you to console me. you asked him, not getting a reply and you left me there. is this what you mean, fair treatment?
i switched off my tap and started taking photos. my eyes were not that red either. i really wanted to take a photo with you. you told leiwin next time have event then will take. is it that i did not ask? i regret so. it was finale soon and i wanted to take with you after it. you, went home almost immediately. i wonder where, home to study? i really cannot understand you. you are really incomprehensible. you made me regret so many things and at the same time, hate myself so.