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if there are any coincidences mentioned, do not doubt, i must be referring to you.
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they think i am retarded...
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PANG ZHUANG YI
true enough. well, if i am not talking when you see me, it can only mean two things; either i am overwhelmed by someone or i am E M O ing.
temper is on the SUPERB extreme. try me if you do not believe in that.
if a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then is an empty desk?
no wonder my desk is always flooded. =D
reflection?
Tuesday, May 15, 2007 @ 10:52:00 PM
i have more than once embarrassed myself;
i have more than once disappointed them,
i have more than once made myself proud;
i have more than once made them proud.
what do i really want?
is what i am having what i want?
is what i am aiming what i want?
is what i am enjoying what i want?
what do i really want?
ms soh's pm: is personal glory the most important thing?
i thought over it. i feel that i am aiming for personal glory. but what is there on earth other than that? thus i asked a handful of people, some said there isn't and howleong and mariah said friendship, kinship, happiness, morals, values and etc are more important than personal glory. well, i thought it was not in the same category. alright.
i feel that almost all this while i am after personal glory, maybe due to my attention-seeking characteristic. i admit, i like to be in the limelight; i like to be given attention. i do things trying to attract attention. i cannot sit down in a noisy room quietly, unless i am in a foul mood. i will go around asking people things, walking around chit-chatting. what i can say, it is difficult to change. but i know there is the gauge for my friends to know if i can be talked to or not. humaira, jiajun and masdiyanah should know it best.
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i have embarrassed myself with my public speaking skills on 2005's chinese new year concert, with my announcements, by talking loudly outside a classroom with my ex-teacher inside and more, definitely.
i have disappointed them by forgetting important things and lessons that are taught to me. i can repeat the same mistakes time and time again. sometimes, i really do not learn from them. i hate myself for disappointing those who have high hopes on me. i really hate it. i really hate myself.
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what is a passing remark to you, is a merciless stab in my heart. it is still bothering me and it hurts. your passing remarks at times rub salt onto my wounds, stabbing them and applying salt on them repeatedly. it is not really that i want to show off my rank. it is that i have almost nothing much to my name. i am neither capable nor academically inclined. such things mean very much to me, which includes you.
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